Jokes go here

[LordMike]

Some really funny jokes here thanks a lot!!

[samurai69]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large
corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and
said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara
will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said,
"Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids.
I don't know whom to fire."



The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara
was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a
problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know
what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've
got a headache."

[Al]

:lol

My sister in law "Pam" is dependable...

[Al]

She has a twin sister. Together they gave me the clap

[samurai69]

A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the seventy-five-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.
"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor.

"Well, doctor, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"I see.." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?"
"Well, I asked my sixteen year old neice to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard."
"Her legs!" exclaimed the doctor, appalled.
"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, then both armpits in turn and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing.
"You asked your neighbour?" cried the shocked doctor.

"The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the ****ing jar open!"

[samurai69]

i liked this one.............bit bad, but in a nice way

A jelly bean is sitting in a bar having a drink, when in walks a smartie.
The smartie says " I'm going to the club later, if you want come along "

" No thanks, " says the jelly bean, " I'm very soft centred and I don't want to get hurt "

" Don't worry," says the smartie, " I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

" Well, o.k then, if you're sure," says the jelly bean.

Later that evening they're in the club, sitting at a table enjoying a pint, when in walks a Locket.

The smartie dives under the table, the Locket beats the crap out of the jelly bean, turns round and leaves.

Once the coast is clear the smartie comes out from under the table.
The jelly bean wipes the jelly blood from his poor jelly body, and says " I thought you said you would protect me !"

" Yeah I know," says the smartie, " but that Locket, he's menthol "

[deadgame1]

a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop!!!

[deadgame1]

two fish are in a tank one says to the other u man the guns ill drive!!!

[samurai69]

not a joke, but i thought it was funny

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeoi16lScf4[/youtube]

[Al]

LMAO! That looks like fun.

[samurai69]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP ( miss-match )
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[Cookie]

LOL....