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Re: Jokes go here

Postby samurai69 » Mon Jul 05, 2010 3:17 pm

Jew jutsu
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Ephor - one of five powerful civil magistrates in Spartan government, elected annually by the Assembly.

"I thought I was hard done by, when I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet"]

http://www.newspartangym.co.nr
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Re: Jokes go here

Postby samurai69 » Mon Jul 05, 2010 3:17 pm

J J
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Ephor - one of five powerful civil magistrates in Spartan government, elected annually by the Assembly.

"I thought I was hard done by, when I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet"]

http://www.newspartangym.co.nr
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Re: Jokes go here

Postby Cookie » Tue Jul 06, 2010 12:43 pm

Your jokes get worse :shock:
"If you don't have conditioning it doesn't matter how big your muscles are they ain't gonna reach their full potential!"

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"wyrd bið ful aræd" Destiny is Everything
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Re: Jokes go here

Postby samurai69 » Thu Jul 22, 2010 6:27 pm

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow
until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished
and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Ephor - one of five powerful civil magistrates in Spartan government, elected annually by the Assembly.

"I thought I was hard done by, when I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet"]

http://www.newspartangym.co.nr
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Re: Jokes go here

Postby Al » Fri Aug 20, 2010 1:03 pm

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better
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Re: Jokes go here

Postby samurai69 » Fri Aug 27, 2010 9:19 am

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are

you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."



* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my

mother-in-law to the airport.



* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my

wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!



* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's

making love? "Honey, I'm home!"



* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting

it.. The thief spends less than my wife did.



* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our

wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and

cried.



* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My

wife called it the Dead Sea .



* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for

the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.



* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference.

I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I

go to bed, I feel hungry.



* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't

pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.



* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check

came back. "

Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"



* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"

Patient: "I AM 60!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"



* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.

The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? "

The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"



* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. "

Doctor: "Don't answer!"



* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've

been brought here for drinking. "

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."



* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

They're worth it.



*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

They want to.



1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish

women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this

is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.



2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life

begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered

viable until it graduates from medical school.



3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.



4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror

movie?

A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."



5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!



6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favourite position?

A: Facing Bloomingdale's.



7. A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?" "

Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. "

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38

days? "

The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be

filled with food if you should call."



8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he

has a part in the play.

She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. "

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you

want a speaking part."



9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?

A: Under the vacuum cleaner.



10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light

bulb?

A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to

be a nuisance to anybody"



11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday:

They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.



12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish

mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three

days."

"Force yourself," she replied.



13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish

mother?

A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.



14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?

A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20%

off.
Ephor - one of five powerful civil magistrates in Spartan government, elected annually by the Assembly.

"I thought I was hard done by, when I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet"]

http://www.newspartangym.co.nr
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Re: Jokes go here

Postby Cookie » Sat Jun 18, 2011 6:47 pm

GOODBYE, DADDY.
A Little Golf Story

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moley, thought t he father, "this kid is in contact with the otherside."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."
"If you don't have conditioning it doesn't matter how big your muscles are they ain't gonna reach their full potential!"

21st century Takism

"wyrd bið ful aræd" Destiny is Everything
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Re: Jokes go here

Postby samurai69 » Mon Aug 22, 2011 8:04 am

ha ha
Ephor - one of five powerful civil magistrates in Spartan government, elected annually by the Assembly.

"I thought I was hard done by, when I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet"]

http://www.newspartangym.co.nr
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Re: Jokes go here

Postby Cookie » Sun Jan 29, 2012 5:44 pm

ROMANTIC DINNER

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
"If you don't have conditioning it doesn't matter how big your muscles are they ain't gonna reach their full potential!"

21st century Takism

"wyrd bið ful aræd" Destiny is Everything
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Re: Jokes go here

Postby Scott » Sun Jan 29, 2012 6:08 pm

wot a slut

:mrgreen:
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FIGHTING SOLVES EVERYTHING

Get Dropped But I'm Right Back In

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Re: Jokes go here

Postby thisischarlie » Thu Jan 09, 2014 10:52 am

The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline


10) The engine's being held on by duct tape.

9) You overhear some pilots conspiring to get another pilot fired because he's landed all his planes without incident and it's making them look bad.

8) The in-flight movie is a documentary of the top ten worst airplane crashes of all time.

7) Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.

6) Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.

5) As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the pilots of your flight were the winners of the "Be a Pilot For a Day" raffle.

4) The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.

3) The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!

2) Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Vodka before he finishes the bottle.

1) You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!



Just came hopme with one myself!
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Re: Jokes go here

Postby lil john » Thu Jan 09, 2014 8:13 pm

:lol:
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