Jokes go here

[Scott]

LOL scott, I do most of those

yeah me too cant wait to do this one :

Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

next chance I get

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

thats very childish... and funny

[Scott]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."



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A garbage man is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into the back of the rubbish truck. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a chinese bloke answers... "Hey cuz. Whats up ?", says the chinese bloke.

Where's your bin, mate?" asks the garbage man
"I bin on toilet" replies the chinese guy, looking perplexed.
Realising the chinese fellow has misunderstood, the garbage man smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the chinese man.
"Mate!" says the garbage man ... "You're misunderstanding me... Where's your WHEELIE BIN?"
"OK! OK!" , says the chinese bloke, "I wheelie bin having a wank!"

[samurai69]

lol to first one

second one heard before, but still funny

[samurai69]

just had to put them on here!:

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything....where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[Scott]

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
That is brilliant... I have no idea why..... but its brilliant

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
ditto LOL!

[Scott]

I guess not strictly a joke but still......... made me laugh

[Scott]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No... I'm your son's math teacher."

[Scott]

LOL!! this is classic! its the sort of thing I would do if I had the neck

[Scott]

NEED ADVICE? MAYBE ABBY CAN HELP... OR NOT...


Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex, and he IS a doctor. Now what do I do?

[samurai69]

NEED ADVICE? MAYBE ABBY CAN HELP... OR NOT...


Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex, and he IS a doctor. Now what do I do?

Liked the ones i highlighted in red

LOL LOL

[samurai69]

THE BROKEBACK KID

not really a joke, but worth watching

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cux_srVqO5U

[samurai69]

Whats the difference between a magician's wand and a police officers truncheon?

One is used for cunning stunts.

The other is used...... in the apprehension of violent criminals.







A guy gets home and finds his wife with a frying pan in the kitchen. The gas is on and theres a sock in the pan.

"What the flook are you doing woman!" he says.

"Just what you kept asking me to do last night dear, I'm cooking your sock."





What's the difference between a nun and a horny woman in a shower.

One's got 'hope in her soul' and the others got...




Two blonds walk into a building.

You'd think one of them would've seen it.




A man goes to his Dr, totally naked and wrapped in cling-film.

He says, "Dr, Dr, what's the matter with me?"

Dr says, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"