Jokes go here

[samurai69]

15 Things to do in the department store while the wifes shopping:

1 Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3 Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.

4 Walk up to an employee and tell em in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... watch what happened.

5 Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.

6 Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7 Set up a tent in the camping department and tell the
shoppers youll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8 When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9 Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, pick your nose, and eat it.

10 While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11 Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12 In the auto department, practise your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13 Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yell "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the foetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!

15 Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait a while; then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[samurai69]

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge

continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with
a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking
bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and
said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall
charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow

a fucking spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

[Cookie]

/\/\/\/\/\/\ LOL.....

[samurai69]

Subject: Peter Kay one liners
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1. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said "Thyroid
problem?
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
4. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
6. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9. Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a
good hand.
10.I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11.If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12.I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.
13.You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
14.Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15.I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16.Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
6. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7. You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
10.Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
11.It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12.Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13.Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14.You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15.Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan.
16.You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
17.Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.


SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1. Ladies, why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?
10.Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11.Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12.What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13.Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14.What do you call male ballerinas?
15.Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16.If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

[samurai69]

Childs Science Quiz - HAVE A LAUGH


If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam
Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.


Q: How are the main parts of the body catorgorized (eg. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

[samurai69]

http://www.clipser.com/watch_video.php? ... 6&sess=108

high fireman ........... lol

[samurai69]

borrowed from "BIO"

My wife got this letter this morning.......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I`m not happy..............



Dear Mrs. Bradd,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

I liked 2, 3 and 14 ...........may have to try some of those next time i am in uk LOL

[Ape4]

Some funny stuff there,
I already got kicked out of Winco for riding a monkey bike through the aisles

[samurai69]

Some funny stuff there,
I already got kicked out of Winco for riding a monkey bike through the aisles

..............LOL

[Ape4]

That was a funny night, I would've escaped, but nathan (a friend of mine), got in the way of the bike and I crashed it into the greeting cards
(a note to all, I had to pick up all the cards and pay for the two or three that were bent)

[samurai69]

A few lame jokes

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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
===
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
===
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
===
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
===
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
===
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
===
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
===
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
===
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
===
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
===
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
===
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
===
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
===
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
===
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
===
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
===
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
===
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
===
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
===
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
===
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.
===
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
===
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."
===
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

borrowed from uk-m

[samurai69]

Geordie Selling Technique

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods
looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman
back in Lemington."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down
and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one?
Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64!
What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast,
so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went
doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of
tampons for his ladyfriend and I telt him, Well, since ya weekend's knackored like,
you might as well gan fishing."

i like that one ^^^


by the way my mates just bought obne of those Iraqi sex toys it blows itself up :oops: